I know in the past I have vented alot because of how horrible my life was or so I thought it was but nothing could have prepared me for what was about the happen.
On Monday September 28th 2009 My husband of 9yrs my partner of 13yrs was taken from me not by another woman but by god himself. At approximately 5pm he rearend a very large grain truck. Medics and Doctors did everything they could but it was no use he would not survive. Upon hearing this news I felt as if I had been punched in the chest the air knocked out of me! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" this wasn't happening it couldn't be true! He didn't leave me here all alone!! Please tell me this is some cruel joke! Oh god why! WHY!! But it was true my husband my best friend my soulmate was gone forever....
The funeral was one of the hardest days of my life. Seeing him lying so still and peaceful in the casket was my worst nightmare come true. He was really gone. I was really left here all alone without him. I fell apart while my friend tried to hold me up (thank you Brandy). While it felt good have friends and family all around me I knew it would be sort lived. Soon they would all go their seperate way go back to their lives and I couldn't ask them stay to give up their lives to piece mine back together.
For the first few weeks after I just wanted to give up, to die so I could be with him again. I would have given anything to just be able to let go of this world and see his smiling face again. I didn't eat I didn't drink. I worried almost everyone around me. My life as I knew it was over this was the only way I thought I could ever be happy again. However my friends and family just wouldn't let go wouldn't let me leave. It wasn't my time they said little did I know they were right and in time some how I would manage to survive.
So what do I do now? How do go on living without him? How do i survive this horrible twist of fate? I really don't know. Trying hard to figure that out but not finding any answers. I'm living with a broken heart his memories pounding on me like a hammer to a nail. I can't escape the need to be with him again, to have him hold me again, to feel his lips on mine, to wake up in the morning and see him lying next to me. I miss him more than I could ever express in words
I feel so angry I could cry. Angry at god for taking him from me. Angry at him for leaving me, for not wearing his seat belt, for trying to rush through his work and home to me. Angry at myself for not calling and telling him to slow down and be safe like my gut was telling me to that afternoon, angry that I didn't call just to hear his voice one more time to tell him I love him even though I'm sure he knows....
I feel like I'm on some kind of emotional roller coaster with all the ups and downs twists and turns. Will I ever get off? Will I ever feel normal again? Right now I really don't see an end in site to this horrible ride I'm on. I feel so lost and empty most of the time its hard to do even the most basic chores like cooking and cleaning. The smallest things make me cry now. Will the tears ever stop? I feel like I have cried a river since his death but yet theres always more just begging to be released.
I think the worst part is the feeling lost and alone like a ship lost at see with no hope of rescue. I have no one rescue me anymore. I am weak and vulnerable but at the same time I am strong and I am still here fighting to survive. Maybe I'll make it maybe I won't only time will tell for sure. I know in my heart as much as us being apart hurts him he would want me to go on, to be strong and to find happiness again. Not to sure what happiness is anymore but if its out there I will find it someday.
My only solce in all of this is knowing he is once again with the mother he loved and missed so much. I know in my heart that hes still with me and always will be. I know someday we will be together again. Its knowing that I can't hug him or feels his arms embrace me when I'm hurting or hear him tell me it will be alright in his Lonnie way that hurts so much. I miss the way he loved so completely. I miss the way he was always there when you needed him. I miss his smile. I miss him..
To my family the few friends that have stood by me through all this thank you will never know how it means to me that you were there during what has probably been the hardest time in my life.
To my Blockhead sister (yes you know who you are!) thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for a completely stranger to lean on without you I don't think I would be here writing this today.
To the Block thank you for the last year it has been an amazing ride I can't wait for it to continue! Thank you for introducing me to my BH family couldn't have done it without them or you!!
To Donnie Wahlberg: Thank you for the beautiful direct message you sent me after the accident. You words touched me and made me smile again at time when I didn't think I would ever smile again. You are my hero! I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I love you Donnie!
To Danny Wood: Thank you for Stronger! I am listening to it as I write this and it has given me inspiration beyond words. This cd has captured exactly what I am feeling and going through as I struggle with own loss. It really helps to know that someone else out there understands. I will never forget Elizabeth "Betty" Wood or the wonderful son she raised. Thank you for all your hard work raising money for Susan G. Komen for the cure! We will win this fight! I am truly blessed that you are a part of my life. I love you Danny!
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